GOD WILL NEVER FORSAKE ME + WHY NURSING HOME VISITS ARE SO IMPORTANT

 

There was a handicapped parking space right up front today. I wonder if the staff at the nursing home assumed that we were the ones checking in, me unable to stand completely straight, post-surgery, and trying my hardest to smile and relax despite the pain where my staples once were. My first line of business was to find a restroom, thanks to certain side effects that can come after an ostomy reversal surgery during recovery. And my husband hobbling with his cane, trying to "will" his left foot to move like it should as we approached the building, then tried to find her room number in the maze of a floorplan.

We were a mess.

A mess on a mission.

A few weeks ago, a dear woman in our neighborhood moved into a nursing home in the next town over. She knew my parents for the last 30 years, and now us for the last 8. She was kind of a replacement for my mom the last few years, as we'd bring her orchids and cookies for Mother's Day, and we'd stop by and say hello often or at least call.

But now, due to circumstances with her health and her family, her next and likely final stop was this nursing home—a place that, as a previous Navy nurse, she said she never wanted to be in.

Now, I understand that not everyone is able to take care of their folks at home and that nursing homes can be a blessing in a time that is often filled with so much confusion, heartache, and fear of falls and other things that could happen to your loved ones if you are not experienced in nursing. So, please know there's no judgment here, only compassion and love.

But I have some hangups. I started out as a nursing CNA, I even graduated Valedictorian of my class. I loved helping patients, but I saw things that one can never unsee. For instance, in a nursing home rotation that I had later in school to become an RN, they had a line of about six women in wheelchairs ready to be showered off. I'll never forget the look of shame and surrender as they were completely naked, ready to be watered down. Unknown nurses, including men, wandering in and out. Where are their towels? Why do they need to be fully naked? It's so easy to put a bath towel around their neck to cover their private parts while protecting their dignity. I get mad and sad when I think of these types of things that I saw. But I still remind myself that this was just one nursing home, and they are not all bad.

Even In nursing home visits we can help be their advocate.

Needless to say, my time in nursing school didn't last. I quickly realized that these types of things affected me deeply, and I didn't want to become hardened by it all. But the overall feeling of loneliness that I saw there has stuck with me all these years. There are so many lonely people in nursing homes and hospitals. When I was in the hospital a few weeks ago, one of the nurses looked sadly at me and said that so many patients go it alone, with no one to help them or even a visitor.

So, walking into that nursing home today, some of the feelings came back, but I was there for our neighbor, and that was all that mattered. Soon enough, the apprehension faded away as we walked the halls and were greeted by friendly nurses, the activities director, and decor that felt homey, happy, and safe.

We visited for just over an hour, and even though she faded in and out, not always knowing who we were due to dementia, it mattered. She might not remember who came, but she knew someone came and that she was loved, that she didn't need to go it alone, and that we'd be back like we promised.

So, what are some things you can talk about when you are visiting someone in a nursing home?

Thankfully, our neighbor is a chatty gal, which we love. There wasn't a lapse in interesting conversion, but if there were, here are a few conversation starters to make the visit more pleasurable for all involved.

1. Did you have any pets over the years? This is a great way to get to know them more and to lighten the mood as people love their pets. I try to stray away from discussing family, as that can be more of an emotional subject. They may live far away or are going through health problems, or maybe they don't visit at all as they've been estranged for years. Let them bring up family stuff if you're not aware of their situation. A goal is to bring happiness, not added stress or sadness.

2. Tell me about some of your favorite trips in the past. Reminiscing about trips is such a fun way to pass the time, especially if they have photo albums to look through. This type of questioning can lead to other interesting topics, such as a favorite day trip scheduled tomorrow, which will include buying the best peaches one can buy at a stand a few hours away. And even having a strawberry daiquiri out at the restaurant a few weeks ago with her daughter. Something she does only in the Summer and only when it's really hot out.

3. Do they have ice cream here? Now, this was my husband's question of the day, mainly because he has this crazy notion that someday he'll end up in a nursing home and get to eat ice cream all day long. But it worked and was the most popular question of the day! Our neighbor's eyes lit up when asked this, and she said, "Oh yes, every day after dinner." She went on to say that they even brought popsicles around the other day. White ones, with mini chocolate chips. This, coming from a woman who didn't even know us at times, but she sure knew about ice cream.

4. Finally, stop asking questions and just listen. When given the space to talk, our neighbor dropped nuggets of wisdom throughout our visit, the kind of things that hit you hard and you never forget. My favorite was when she said, "God will never forsake me," as she said that she would be OK here. She is a strong believer and she knows that her time here on Earth is finite. She trusts Him and knows that He has a plan for her life, even in her 90s. This knowledge gave her comfort, even though she was not in her beloved home, surrounded by trees. And even though she'd been in the hospital and rehab since Christmas and wasn't able to do holiday baking for the first time in her whole life. She is faithful, and she knows her God intimately, and she trusts. Oh, what a blessing that she is in our lives and we can still learn from her and show her love, even if just during a weekly visit.

*If you don't know of anyone in a nursing home, check with your church. There are plenty of elderly folks in nursing homes who would love for you to visit them and make them feel needed, loved, and special. You will also reap the benefits from this beautiful and selfless service to those so greatly in need.