WEARING OUT ITS WELCOME AND GOODBYE FOR NOW

 

This photo was taken on 9/4/24, almost seven months exactly from the day I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Terminal Colon Cancer at age 53, now 54. I have learned so much along the way; you can see it on my face.

It's been seven months now since the day I got my cancer diagnosis, and my life and the lives of those around me have forever been changed. For the better and for the worse. You see, the reality of cancer never goes away, and the sooner one can come to terms with it all and find their true purpose in life, no matter what the timespan, the better.

It's time to move on. Move on to not writing about cancer anymore, and move on to truly trying to live a normal life, or as normal as I can possibly live.

On Tuesday, I went to the doctor, and no matter how low my cancer CEA numbers get, she explained I'll still need to be on my meds for the rest of my life. Every three weeks and counting. I know, I know, I've heard this before, but deep down, I hoped. Of course, I did. 

But stage 4 cancer never leaves. 

So, back to my numbers. I'm now in the "normal" category at 4.2. Below 5 qualifies you for this. But, as my doctor said, with my type of cancer, there is still a "dusting" throughout my body, so I'll never truly be normal. Regardless, the below 5 is wonderful news as it buys me more time. More time to be with my husband, friends, and family. More time to play the piano, cook amazing dishes, entertain and study God's Word. I'm grateful beyond words. This is something that no one expected, and it allowed me to get my ostomy reversed, which makes life much better in and of itself. I also feel less pain as the tumors have shrunk significantly in my liver. You should have seen me five months ago. I needed a wheelchair to get to my treatments, unable to even walk as I hurt so bad. I realize just how incredible this all is.

But I'm tired. I feel exhausted from the surgeries... and the emotions... and the false hope. False hope? Boy, you sound quite negative, Diana. Well, today, and yesterday, and this whole week I have felt off. Sad. A bit hopeless, and more so, feeling like a fool getting caught up in the excitement of the numbers instead of facing the reality of it all. Miracles happen, they say. Yes, they do. I'm not saying it can't happen. Only God knows. And I'll stay faithful to Him and His plan for me.

I think it's best to stop sharing in this capacity, for now, at least.

Stay strong in Christ, my friends who are going through cancer, and those with loved ones going through cancer. And thank you for all your love and support along the way. For now, I will be grateful for my "normal" status and just live my life every day. Hopefully, through meaningful relationships, I can still offer support to those in my position in a more in-person capacity.

Perhaps I'll be led to a new type of writing project in the future. I'm leaving it in God's hands. And relishing in a place of normality for the time being.

So, for now, it's a "see you later" instead of a "goodbye." Thank you all for reading.

Diana Claire