ON BEING REAL

 

"You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand." Margery Williams -The Velveteen Rabbit, 1922.

The Velveteen Rabbit has resonated with me since I was a child and these days I can relate to feeling shabby, loose in the joints, with hair falling out more than I ever thought I would. The immunotherapy that I'm on has made me age quickly. Larger eye wrinkles, darker eye circles. And when did those lines on my forehead get so deep? Cancer changes you, from the dry, peeling skin to the daily stress, and don't forget the wear and tear on your body and emotions from the pain. But it's not just the outside that changes, it's also the inside. And in my case, my insides have changed for the better.

This week will be four months since I was diagnosed and I can say I've been through more ups and downs than a teeter-totter. I've learned a lot about myself, but I've also grown in ways that I didn't even know would be possible in the midst of trauma. And mainly I've felt joy. Overwhelming joy.

These last months, I've experienced love and care from family and friends like I've never known. We have a new church that we feel at home in, and a new rescue dog that I'm still convinced is an angel that came down from Heaven to look after us. I've even had friends over for food and fellowship on our porch where we talked about deep and important things for hours and hours, with lots of tears and hugs. No fancy dinner parties, just simple conversation over charcuterie boards.

I've been able to be my true self and be honest and open, even though at times it was scary. And even though it has been the most difficult time in my life, I also feel the happiest... to my core.

I feel real.

And while cancer is one of the worst things one can go through, it can also leave you vulnerable enough to let down those walls and perhaps for the first time in your life really let people in. It feels good to confide in others and more and more I've found that we are all longing for these deep relationships as well. Connections that mean something. Relationships that aren't just on the surface but have a foundation focusing on true care, love and respect. Nurtured and tended to, to grow into something beautiful.

It's time to be brave and be real. Because being real to ourselves, to others and especially to God makes all the difference for a well-lived, authentic life.

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." - Matthew 5:16