YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE

 

Yesterday I broke down.

Not just in tears, but the kind of sobbing that I'd never experienced before. I'm the strong one. I've done this before. I've buried two parents in the last 2-1/2 years. I'm the caregiver. Diana, get it together, sigh.

I've only really cried once since the diagnosis six weeks ago. It was on the way home from the Oncologist when I learned that I'd be on chemo for the rest of my life, regardless of how long that would be. It got really real, really quick.

It felt good to let it out, and now I can move on. Move on to be stronger when I look over at my husband, whom I've known since I was 16, his lips quivering, tears rolling down his face, saying "I'm not going to have my best friend anymore." And stronger when I say silly things to him like, can you sing "You Are My Sunshine" to me like I used to sing to Dad in his final weeks? I begin to sing, but the song slowly fades off as I remember the final line "Please don't take my sunshine away," with a lump in my throat, and more tears welling up in my eyes.

Cancer is hard. Hard to remain strong through and even harder to accept. Will I wake up from this nightmare? This can't be happening.

Then the morning comes. I get out of bed, face the new day and the sun shines again. Driving around town we see new buds on the trees, pink tulips sprinkled all around downtown, and those purple flowers that always come out first that line the side of the driveway signaling us that Spring is finally here.

Again comes faith. Trust in Jesus Christ and confidence that His plan is the right one, even if we don't always understand.

I am reminded once more that life is worth living well no matter the timeframe. I want to live it the best I can as a wife, sister, friend and daughter of Christ while I'm here because I'm a believer. And going through these struggles, man, do I thank God for that. The promise of heaven outweighs the realization that the journey ahead might not be easy. But there is hope. Hope in the moment and a longing for true joy and healing in eternity. Even though there may be more tears along the way. And I'm OK with that.

You are my sunshine
my only sunshine.
You make me happy
when skies are gray.
You'll never know dear
how much I love you.
Please don't take
my sunshine away.

(I miss you, Papa! See you in Heaven soon. -Di)